Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Rejection Sucks

No call, no text -- just nothing. That really bites the big one. I haven't been rejected much in my life -- but I gotta tell son, it really does sting.

I'm blue... nothing else to say today :(

Monday, August 13, 2007

Pleasant Surprise

This new woman I met -- gave me a pleasant surprise. She showed up at my front door at 11:30pm unexpectedly. Nothing really happened. We chit-chatted for 10 mins then she had to run (she was working).

Not much has happened between us since then... she seems pretty cool. Holding back. Scared maybe. Hell, maybe I'm just an over eager douche bag and she has a heart of gold and can't help herself but be nice to me.

So this is what I've decided to do: nothing. The ball is in her court. She calls: fine. She doesn't (which I expect): fine.

I'm getting on and moving forward. Perhaps I was blindsided about the way I was ever going to feel about her (or anybody ever again). Perhaps I just wasn't prepared for how much I found myself liking her. At any rate... it's time to reel it in. God! How I do not want to be one of those guys. Those guys that don't get the hint. That embarrass themselves. No way. Not me. I'll take the high road and the proud route. That isn't to say -- that I don't like her and that I don't want her to call. I DO! In fact, I want to actually explore the possibility of having a relationship with this woman.

Will it happen ... ? Stay tuned.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

I met a woman

Fairly young, but strikingly beautiful. Sporty, sexy, down to earth. Beautiful eyes and a dazzling smile. The first woman I seemed to have genuine interest in in a very long time. I've actually scared myself at how much initially I found myself liking her. We've gone out twice now -- both times we had a really great time. She fit in perfectly with my friends and the 'humor' we have. I found myself wanting more and more of her time, but at the same time finding myself angry about feeling that way -- or scared rather. Scared to vulnerable. Scared to be hurt. Scared to be rejected. Scared that who I am can never be enough for someone.

I really have some scars in this area that have left me afraid. I wanted to immediately push her away and run. I don't want to give somebody the power over me... to decide if they want to reject me or accept me, which then dictates how I feel about myself based on that. I know this is probably not the way a 100% healthy person feels. But I've not made it to 100% healthy yet. So, if she accepts me I'm flying high. Rejected I feel like a pile of crap. That makes me so angry. Ugh! Just that thought alone sends me off!!!

I guess I'm not as grounded or as balanced or centered as I was feeling I was (note to self: maybe book an apt w/ your therapists, still work to be done). I don't want to be needy and I don't want to allow another to get inside my head again and make me feel 'less' or 'not enough' eventually. I guess my ex-wife really did a number on my head after all. But I really like this woman... I took deep breaths and called her anyway. She has not really called back-- a text msg. It's left me feeling rejected. I feel many emotions over this. Anger. Hurt. Outrage. I at once want to be wanted and want to smash and tear and strike back and want to shut her out and run away. But I'm breathing. Just seeing what's next. Allowing the universe to unfold in it's own good time. I'll go back to focusing on me... and my other 2 big goals. Money and my son.
All for now.

p.s. Usually don't write post scripts -- but I'm very emotional lately regarding this topic. I feel this surging tide of emotion -- almost as if I want to fall in love with somebody. As if I have all this to give, so much to give to somebody and I'm so much better than I use to be -- that I really think I could love somebody so much and so deeply... but I'm so afraid of doing that -- so afraid of not being loved back the way I yearn. So anyway, I'm watching Message in a Bottle and finding myself with tears streaming down my face -- wanting that magical love that happens. Watched Must Love Dogs, cried again. I'm a frickin man's man here and I'm acting like a Hallmark Woman's Channel Woman. What gives? I really need some time to think about all this.

What I Want

1. To be a multi-millionaire from my e-commerce businesses that allow me to have lots of free time, freedom and access to the 'finer' things in life and that also allow me to help my family, friends and loved one's have easier/better lives as well as help those in need.

2. Meet, fall madly in love with the most perfect woman for me. She will be beautiful, sporty, sweet, compassionate, open-minded, lovely, giving, forgiving, nurturing and patient.

3. To be and nurture my relationship with my son so that he will grow into a responsible, healthy and strong man. And that we will respect one another and always be close.

Friday, August 10, 2007

What I want consciously vs. my unconscious habbits

A recent horoscope suggested the following:
It's the Season of Burning, Churning Yearning. Here are three of the most important things I've ever told you about how to get what you need. (1) If you don't precisely articulate your conscious desires, your unconscious patterns will come true instead. (2) If you want your conscious desires to trump your unconscious patterns, speak or write your conscious desires every day. (3) It's better to have three huge, soaring, potent desires than 25 puny, scrabbling, half-assed desires.

To that end I will Blog Daily about what I consciously desire to counteract my unconscious patterns. First, understand that I have been aware of my unconscious patterns for the past 2 years and have been focusing and trying to change those. And what are those and why do I want to change them?

Well, I've you're like me, and most of the world, you have years and years of negative thinking or self-destructive patterns, thoughts, ideas, beliefs about ourselves... which keep us from truly having those things we consciously dream about. So my unconscious pattern is that I don't have abundance. No, not me. Others do. Lucky people. People on the other side of the tracks. People born into the right family. The right neighborhood. You know that feeling? Yeah, that's my ingrained thought. That it's not for me. Never feeling good enough around people that had money or wealth or abundance. Oddly uncomfortable.

So how do you get abundance when your unconscious pattern is to say you can't? You can't.
My conscious desires/dreams are to have money/wealth and abundance. To have my own successful business. To have freedom. Yet -- it's alluded me for most of my life. So I began the work of changing that feeling, that vibration, the unconscious pattern. How? By focusing consciously on what I want.

When I'm good at it, it works. Some times slowly, some times fast. Some times I'm confused about it and the results my thinking are having on my physical reality.

So I have made much much much headway in the past 2 years in changing my life. I am on the cusp of something incredible. I just need to keep focusing on the want.

So here is the big 3 wants.

I want to be a multi-millionaire internet business owner that has tons of money and tons of free time to help my family, loved ones, friends and those in need. I want to use this for not only personal enjoyment but to make the world a better place.

I want to have a fairy tale love romance with the most perfect woman for me

I want to have a awesome relationship with my son for the rest of my life

See you tomorrow!