Fairly young, but strikingly beautiful. Sporty, sexy, down to earth. Beautiful eyes and a dazzling smile. The first woman I seemed to have genuine interest in in a very long time. I've actually scared myself at how much initially I found myself liking her. We've gone out twice now -- both times we had a really great time. She fit in perfectly with my friends and the 'humor' we have. I found myself wanting more and more of her time, but at the same time finding myself angry about feeling that way -- or scared rather. Scared to vulnerable. Scared to be hurt. Scared to be rejected. Scared that who I am can never be enough for someone.
I really have some scars in this area that have left me afraid. I wanted to immediately push her away and run. I don't want to give somebody the power over me... to decide if they want to reject me or accept me, which then dictates how I feel about myself based on that. I know this is probably not the way a 100% healthy person feels. But I've not made it to 100% healthy yet. So, if she accepts me I'm flying high. Rejected I feel like a pile of crap. That makes me so angry. Ugh! Just that thought alone sends me off!!!
I guess I'm not as grounded or as balanced or centered as I was feeling I was (note to self: maybe book an apt w/ your therapists, still work to be done). I don't want to be needy and I don't want to allow another to get inside my head again and make me feel 'less' or 'not enough' eventually. I guess my ex-wife really did a number on my head after all. But I really like this woman... I took deep breaths and called her anyway. She has not really called back-- a text msg. It's left me feeling rejected. I feel many emotions over this. Anger. Hurt. Outrage. I at once want to be wanted and want to smash and tear and strike back and want to shut her out and run away. But I'm breathing. Just seeing what's next. Allowing the universe to unfold in it's own good time. I'll go back to focusing on me... and my other 2 big goals. Money and my son.
All for now.
p.s. Usually don't write post scripts -- but I'm very emotional lately regarding this topic. I feel this surging tide of emotion -- almost as if I want to fall in love with somebody. As if I have all this to give, so much to give to somebody and I'm so much better than I use to be -- that I really think I could love somebody so much and so deeply... but I'm so afraid of doing that -- so afraid of not being loved back the way I yearn. So anyway, I'm watching Message in a Bottle and finding myself with tears streaming down my face -- wanting that magical love that happens. Watched Must Love Dogs, cried again. I'm a frickin man's man here and I'm acting like a Hallmark Woman's Channel Woman. What gives? I really need some time to think about all this.